I appreciate your comments and it's nice to know JomSocial is/had possibly performance issues when loaded, certainly something I will watch out for should I decide to migrate in that direction.
My comments are partly about continuing with uddeim, for example with the premium plugins there is an issue with selecting all posts in the moderation section and a while ago the uddeim developer replied with No to someones question about having a popup for new messages, now I know that is possible because I hacked an old CB site of mine to do this and I am by no means a coder.
So my thoughts are about taking a look at the situation, maybe the CB dev's and uddeim dev improve the situation between them in some way. who knows!
For me this is about as good as it gets for messaging in CB with uddeim, I just don't see this as modern.